Anaglyph’s Anime Appraisals

First, big spoiler for Kanon ahead. Stay away if you don’t want to be spoiled. Spoiler on collision course. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Back when I was about seven or eight I read a book at school called Abandoned. It was about a kitten that was discarded at the roadside by its owners and about its struggle to survive. It wasn’t particularly pleasant reading for a young boy who loved animals and who had a cat of his own. This poor animal really suffered, often in horribly graphic ways, but I struggled on with the book. Finally, at the last chapter it seemed that there would be a happy ending. The cat was taken in by a kind family and given a loving home, and it seemed that all that pain was worth it in the end. And then one day the cat was run down by a car. As it lay by the roadside in agony the vet was called for, but nothing could be done and the poor cat was put to sleep.

I suppose the author might have felt his novel was “character building” by punching young children in the face with the cruel realities of life, but I hated that book, and I still do. It was sadistic. After I finished reading the last miserable page I had to hurry from the classroom and hide in the toilets to cry.

And now it’s happening all over again!

Okay, I don’t hate Kanon, but damn is it manipulative. From the moment Makoto was introduced we were expertly played. From her cutely ineffectual attempts to get revenge on Yuuichi, to her cute and increasingly apparent devotion to him, to her cute shyness, to her cute “auuu”s, to her general overwhelming cuteness. And beyond the cuteness we learn that she’s sacrificed her life to be with Yuuichi one last time. And on top of that they play the helpless dying animal card as well!

This sort of thing would have the bile rising in my throat normally but somehow anime gets away with it, and not only does it get away with it, I had to sit through the episode struggling to hold back the tears. It should be maudlin but somehow Yuuichi’s selfless efforts to care for and bring a little happiness to Makoto during her last days of life, somehow Makoto’s regression to a child-like state as her borrowed humanity dissipates, somehow the final tender moments on the hill as she dies in his arms, somehow it all manages to barely sidestep mawkishness and…

I have been demanned by anime.

I should have seen the warning signs when I became devoted to Marimite. How can any man hope to retain his masculinity when he adores a series about a bunch of Catholic schoolgirls and the intricacies of their relationships? I tried to tell myself that it was full of lesbian subtext so it was all right, and Sei was a real lesbian and a rebel too - she was cool. All manly men are keen on lesbians - right? So yeah, maybe watching a school girl angsting about whether to give chocolates to her oneesama or not was a bit emasculating but it was balanced by the yuri subtext. Or so I fondly imagined.

I barely noticed the flagging state of my manhood by the time I started watching Ginban Kaleidoscope, a series about a girl who’s star is rising in the world of ice skating. Is there anything less manly than ice skating? Sadly yes. Instead of heeding the warning signs I continued on oblivious, watching the series to the end, whereupon I was moved by the bittersweet ending. Oh lordy…

Then came Otoboku. About a guy in a dress. Does anything more need to be said?

And now this. Watching anime has put me in serious danger of weeping like a little boy over the death of a cartoon fox-girl.

The line must be drawn here. This far, no further!

Tomorrow I’m going to build a shed. A shed to house my power tools. A shed built by power tools for power tools. Then I’m going to make a bonfire with the left over wood. And I’ll barbeque some meat while it’s burning. Maybe by taking these actions, just maybe I can save what little manly dignity I have remaining.

Awww hell - who am I kidding? I’ll be weeping my way through the rest of Kanon no doubt. At least it can’t get any worse than this - right? Right?